The Freedom to be Loved

February 17, 2011

I’ve been asking the question, ‘How much is too much love to ask of someone?’

It is a wonderful thing when someone loves you without conditions, so much so that you give them everything you have because they allow you to be yourself.  I find that most people want what they themselves cannot give: love without want.

I believe that the easiest way to lose someone’s love is to use the love you share with them as a bargaining chip when things don’t go your way.  Another way to put it is CONTROL.  It may work in the meantime but in the long run it destroys any precious feelings of tenderness the other person would hold for you.

A person cannot put love in a cage or a prison, since to love is actually the opposite of imprisonment, it is liberation – to free someone so much so, that the excitement snowballs into passion.  Everyone has wings to fly, and everyone wants to be set free.  This sort of freedom has nothing to do with going away, getting away, or having no attachments.  This sort of freedom allows you to be what you are and never suffer abandonment.

Bridges in time

February 3, 2011

Have you ever met someone and realized that they will be in your life forever and that they somehow have always been there anyway?  I’m not just speaking of a romantic relationships but of a soul friendship, a bond, a connection, so real that you don’t question it?  It’s such an amazing thing when its realized as its happening.  I sat with a friend yesterday who I haven’t seen for four years and when I did see them last it was the second time we had ever been face to face.  I was introduced to this person through another friend of mine who felt we had a lot in common.  So here I was sitting under my favorite tree on my favorite day of the year  and I get a phone call, and it was this friend out of no where and so much time had passed, no less they were in the area and coming to meet with me.  There it was this bond this familiar face, a familiar something I just can’t really place and a feeling of closeness, like  I miss you and I didn’t realize how much until now.  As I go through life  in this infinite space,  living, breathing and being,  I realize that I am all that encompasses my heart and people I love and  time spent.  And I know I  just know that this bond goes deeper and crosses over bridges places past  found and sometimes not remembered until either meant to be  or just coincidence finds me. You can stand on either side of the line, but it doesn’t matter these people just are who they  are to you without the mind entering it, I find I love them because of some reason I come up with at the time, they are interesting, they just understood somehow, maybe its like one of the strange mystical encounters that means I had been found where I realize God is good to me.  Yet the overall feeling is a gift, lucky, alive, awoken, pierced with sense of self because this person is standing before me or you, its an old friend a new friend its a beautiful thing.

The Joy of Learning Something New

November 17, 2009

Recently I attended a seminar that offered me the opportunity to learn something new.  What I have received is not a change but a transformation, and the most refreshing part of this transformation has been the ability to see something I didn’t know was there.

What a gift, to see yourself as you are and  to know that there are still mysteries to who you are, that you are not fixed and life truly is  mysterious.  As I write this I realize that I have always thought of myself as an open minded person and have always been excited about life, and yet, I have been pleasantly surprised at the fact that I haven’t got a clue.

One of the things I’m re-discovering now is how filled I am in the nothingness, stripped by all the pain and the chasing down and finding out,  the ‘how do I get there?’ and ‘what do I do?’, and ‘if I do not, what will happen next?’, ‘what if?’, and the ‘I am this because of this or that’.

Right here I am nothing, none of those things, I am just here and I am, Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I’ve realized I don’t have to do anything or think anything to be who I am, but more so I Am what I Am and I do what I do just because I Am who I Am already.   It is pure love to just let yourself be – stop explaining who you are to me and I won’t need you to prove to you who I’m trying to be that I am already.

What a craziness!  To find that all that I know is meaningless, that I’ve created my life from my own imagination and that I can recreate whatever I want whenever I want.  Or not create anything at all.

In my opinion society creates the understanding that we are growing up to become something.  Adults who have figured out how to be adults in the adult world of ‘I need to be responsible and know what I’m doing and who I am’.

Somewhere along the line we think we become  the Jane Doe adult.  Some of these Jane Doe’s think they’ve done ok,  some think they have done a great job, and some don’t know.

I think we are so much more,and I am willing to give up my Jane Doe image to find out.

The Definition of a Bad Person

October 4, 2009

The other night I had a deep conversation with friends about the definition of a bad person.  My friend summed it up in one word…..  Selfishness.

As I thought about it more I realized that selfishness has no redeeming qualities and is in fact a bad persons trait.  Selfishness is the antithesis of love, to love is to give of yourself without thought of gain.  To love would also mean that you empathize and put yourself in someones  shoes , where as a selfish person would not want to invest anytime on anyone else but themselves.

Just as a  murderer has no regard for the person he is killing, no regard for the parents and loved ones who will be destroyed by what he’s done.

The same applies to the gossiper, everyone know at least one of these individuals who exists off of making others miserable.  The gossiper doesn’t care how you feel when they spread lies about you or expose your vulnerabilities without your permission, all that matters to them is that they appear interesting to the audience around them and for the time being drawn out their insecurities and unhappiness by destroying others.

Waving Goodbye to the Summer

September 20, 2009

Everywhere I’ve turned this summer, I’ve heard the same thing over and over, that this summer has been virtually non-existent for everyone.  Here in Central Jersey and the surrounding areas, it rained all of April, May and June.  While playing catch-up in July and August from the rain, we were left devoid of lazy relaxing days in the sun.  I guess I could agree, but I think that there was much more to this then just rain.

It is not always easy to escape life just because the summer is here.  These are tough times for a lot of people – the country is a mess, important decisions about our lives are being made,  conversations spat out at us in the newspapers, TV, and media choosing our next turn.  Do we really know anything?   So we spend a little less money, or maybe we say to hell with it, everything will be ok and we spend some more, making sure our positions are secure at work and hoping that we are not part of that group that gets cut – hopefully it won’t be us.  If you are married you may be wondering if you could live on one salary and what happens if not.  As we wake up to these alarms, everyday the sun may shine or may not and summer is here and gone, and we wonder why was this summer soooo blahhhhahhah…..  What could have happened?

I believe we are catching up to the fact that some serious changes have to be made, and that no one likes change, even if it means that things could be better.   All we talked about during the election was wanting change.  The new President,  he had to have a plan, a BIG PLAN.  My question to you is, do you have a plan for yourself, and will you blame everyone else when things don’t fall in your predictable, protected life.  There are people in other countries that live in unpredictability everyday, that challenge themselves with these questions everyday.  I believe that the real issue is, we now have to work harder and smarter, and the lack of opportunities presented at this time  create a challenge for those who have not had to try that hard ever before.  There is still an avalanche of opportunities in this country to be had, just not as many as we did when we were predictable…..

How do we proceed?

Do we get mad that our America doesn’t seem as free or as rich as we believed, or do we thank our lucky stars that we still have an America to believe in?

Food for thought while waving goodbye to the summer……..

Can You Catch the Wind?

April 10, 2009

kiteI have never had an organized life, moving with the wind, and wherever it went I went freely in it.  

How does one change their nature or adapt to the world around them without changing some vital part of themselves?

I have learned how to find things in their place and place things where they belong within the places I chose for them. And the people around me that matter know where my things are and where I can be found.  

And yet the wind has not blown past me for a while… the awaking spirit… that driving force that only nature can manifest into being, the nature I need to keep sane in. Can we free spirits ever win this battle? Can we ever exist as we are? Be accepted without someone or something of the other suffering and getting lost in the passions of our own expression?

I don’t want to make you my prisoner nor do I want to be imprisoned, not even by my own need to fit in. Nor do I want to be outside of this world, the minutes and seconds in this life, with everyone involved one way or the other.  How does it work?

I’d like to understand this reality non-living.  I’d like to awaken to myself as much as possible, awaken to life and the truth that exists in it – in a perfect world it would all mesh in some unknown philosophy.

An Overwhelming Feeling

March 16, 2009

Sometimes out of nowhere I will be driving or simply having a quiet moment, and will have this overwhelming feeling that someone is there with me, that this someone loves me so much and has always been there.  Some days I just chalk it up to me being aware of my higher self  or that maybe I am  feeling a sense of being actualized.

Then I realize in one fabulous jolt, that it is GOD!

A wave then rushes over me as the sense of it all takes over  and I am crying and experiencing joy.  I wish I can share it with someone and almost always find myself alone.   I want to call my friends but don’t want to sound like I’ve lost my mind or am having a religious attack.  

Any way that I think to share it seems to minimize its beauty.  I write this right now for myself, because I have experienced so many special things and this is one of the most special of all.  

So here goes…  

To my creator, the one who made me, thank you, thank you for giving me joy, for watching over me, for letting me know you are there, thank you for my life, for the love, always.   When I feel your light shine on me I can do somersaults, I can be still and experience movement, I am filled and spilling over, the excess leaves me wanting to water every plant and seed in the garden, to give back by giving, to love.

The In Between Time

March 16, 2009

inbetweenHow much time do we spend in between?  In between our selves and the thing we want, between this place and the next, between the lines when we speak and can’t be heard exactly for what we mean, between our dreams and the waiting, the hope and the despair,  the un-noticed  and the unexpected observer, the love given and not received, the other and the other.

Do we ever stand on the line, in the place, in front of someone, in front of the mirror, and most of all right where we are?   Right here, here and no where else, and accept it for what it is. The in between and the time it takes to find ourselves, to find we have been here the whole time.  We just are.  We are, whether we know it or not, and we are oblivious that we are.  

I have been drifting in the suspended reality lately, I have chosen not to decide or land anywhere, since I’m not sure why I am somewhere unfamiliar.   I’m sure I am going through a inner change, a metamorphosis, to a place unknown to me.   That is the essence of  change isn’t it?

How can I decide I know where I am if I’ve never been here before.  As I get used to you, this new place, be it metaphysical, real, emotional, tangible, make believe, whatever… I have to let the new place speak to me.  It is ok to not know, even when no one is asking you to know.  It is ok to feel something is changing and not to know what.  To not try to define what things are when your awareness of self and your destination are fuzzy and unclear.

Often I’ve wondered, if I were my own compass, would I ever feel lost?  I’m not sure.  If I am the destination, I mean if I am always the destination, always the start and the end point, then I am always found.  

For those of you who may not know where you are right now, if you are drifting in between e-mail me, I think it would be cool to have a chat and discover all the possibilities.  You may e-mail me at

Spring Fever

February 27, 2009

This year more than any in recent times, Spring Fever is an ailment that all of us need to catch.  Besides the normal doldrums of the cold and dreary winter, the world is facing unprecedented stress from the current economic situation.

Each of us has either been directly effected or know someone who has been negatively affected by the current financial condition.  Sometimes in life we need a springboard to catapult us to the next level to turbocharge us beyond the regressions that we can unknowingly get so caught up in.

Spring is just that elixir.  We can all relate to those random days where, rather then walking outside and feeling the cold dampness of February, we get struck with a blast of warmth that seems to melt the pain, fear, and darkness that we may be experiencing.  That blast of warmth that may seem random right now, will become ever more frequent.

The small signs around us that life is regenerating with each day will become more apparent.  Those simple abstract expressions of rebirth are such a powerful symbol of the effect moving forward in life has on each one of us.

The reality that life in its purest and uninhibited form can transcend from bleakness into outstanding beauty is a miracle that none of us can ignore.

With each day that we see, hear, smell, and sense the coming of springs rebirth, we must open our hearts minds and souls to experience the purity around us and absorb its simplicity.


February 18, 2009


The conversation of forgiveness has come up a lot lately.  Its such a profound subject in regards to living a peaceful life, one where a person is free of self judgement and can accept oneself in order to grow and expand emotionally.

A couple weeks ago I was depressed, and lost track of my own self worth and reality of self.  Because of this feeling I suffered insomnia for a couple days straight which then lead to anxiety attacks and a sense of apathy.  It was there one morning that I work up needing to write, just write my feelings, whatever they were.  I found my voice and strength in the action of remembering what it is that makes me who I am.  Then I had an epiphany – I realized that I had to accept myself. I had to accept all that makes me, me.  It was there in the acceptance that I understood forgiveness and its profound ability to heal..  

If you regret, you are angry with yourself and are in punishment. If someone hurts you, you are angry with yourself for allowing the hurt on some level. If you do not love yourself there is a part of you that knows it is a sin, for life is a gift worth living for.  If you accept that you were wrong, that you have flaws, that it is, was or was not your fault then you can heal, you can be released within the acceptance. You have been forgivien.

When a person is in an argument with someone else a lot of the time its about not giving up the defense position, but rather discovering why are you defensive in the first place. Is it because losing means you have no worth?  If you are wrong then you are flawed and not worth the love of the other person or the respect.  Try believing that you are loved just as you are and see if you continue to keep that wall up.  Sometimes someone fights with you and it has nothing to do with you, but because its being thrown at you you need to find a flaw.  What if you were to not take the bait? What if instead you say ‘I love you honey, whats wrong?’

All of us have baggage, have been hurt, or live with fear of hurt repeating. Its in all our favor to forgive ourselves for being hurt or allowing pain, and for delivering it to others in fear of not being loved in return. Its the acceptance that we find truth and the ability to change what it is that plagues us.

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